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Post by kev panther on Nov 9, 2009 11:54:29 GMT
Lets have a laugh
We have all heard them, what can you remember from the great David Coleman his most hilarious cock ups
Juantorino opens his legs and shows his class.......
and one from snooker
For those watching in black and white, the green ball is behind he blue !!! (or something like that !!!!!)
anyone with anymore please feel free to post !!!!!!!
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Post by standbanger2 on Nov 9, 2009 14:49:35 GMT
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Post by standbanger2 on Nov 9, 2009 14:52:40 GMT
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chrisdrew
Full Member
Justice for the 96
Posts: 137
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Post by chrisdrew on Nov 9, 2009 17:11:19 GMT
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator- 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn,weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4.. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'
5. US PGA Commentator- 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
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chrisdrew
Full Member
Justice for the 96
Posts: 137
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Post by chrisdrew on Nov 9, 2009 17:16:53 GMT
Off-Side Rule - Explanation for ladies
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Off-Side Rule - Explanation for ladies You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse has *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.
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Post by kev panther on Nov 9, 2009 18:11:41 GMT
even the wife laughed at that
still no idea of the offside law though !!!!!!!!!
She did however ask what colour the shoes were !!!!!!!
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chrisdrew
Full Member
Justice for the 96
Posts: 137
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Post by chrisdrew on Nov 10, 2009 19:22:06 GMT
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chrisdrew
Full Member
Justice for the 96
Posts: 137
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Post by chrisdrew on Nov 11, 2009 18:15:19 GMT
WORRIED ABOUT SWINE FLU
I'm not really concerned about swine flu..
Here's my concern.
3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow .....Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird .....Avian flu.
This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig .... swine flu.
Next year is the year of the cock .........Anybody else worried?
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chrisdrew
Full Member
Justice for the 96
Posts: 137
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Post by chrisdrew on Nov 12, 2009 19:34:01 GMT
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chrisdrew
Full Member
Justice for the 96
Posts: 137
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Post by chrisdrew on Nov 12, 2009 19:43:33 GMT
more colemans balls ups
"And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago"
(David Coleman)
"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs"
(David Coleman)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start
of the race, only exactly the opposite"
(Murray Walker)
"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't
underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought"
(Bobby Robson)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living
in Italy:
"It was like being in a foreign country"
(Ian Rush)
"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a
calculator"
(John Arlott)
"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and tooold to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand."
(Ted Lowe)
"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is
kissing the cox of the Oxford crew"
(Harry Carpenter)
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you
think Germany has of getting through?
Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the
run of play"
(Peter Lorenzo)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then
they equalised"
(Ian McNail)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
(Winston Bennett)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the
habit of a lifetime for that prat"
(Ron Atkinson)
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather
than lost"
(Frank Bruno)
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes."
(David Coleman)
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people"
(David Coleman)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind
it which is identical"
(Murray Walker)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"
(Stuart Pearce)
"She's not Ben Johnson - but then who is?"
(David Coleman)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none
of them serious"
(Alan Minter)
"The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval.
It's long and square"
(Trevor Bailey)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball"
(John Francombe)
"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are
running"
(Ron Pickering)
"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in
round numbers"
(Murray Walker)
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides
like Brazil than English sides like Wales"
(Ron Greenwood)
"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin"
(Jo Sheldon)
"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation"
(Ron Pickering)
"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect"
(Ted Lowe)
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact
I'm right behind him"
(Stuart Pearson)
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right"
(Marlon Starling)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
(Terry Venables)
"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge"
(John Snagge - Boat Race)
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely
round."
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Post by kev panther on Nov 12, 2009 20:09:39 GMT
The batsman's Holding, the bowlers Willy.
Brian Johnson
keep em coming......especially the Fergie one.. classic !!!!!!!!
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chrisdrew
Full Member
Justice for the 96
Posts: 137
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Post by chrisdrew on Nov 15, 2009 9:36:06 GMT
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chrisdrew
Full Member
Justice for the 96
Posts: 137
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Post by chrisdrew on Nov 17, 2009 19:33:42 GMT
Out Playing Golf
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Two women were playing golf One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away
and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
And asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken
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